When I Stop, That's the End

Author

Ray Coco Smith, Bard CollegeFollow

Date of Submission

Spring 2024

Academic Program

Photography

Project Advisor 1

Jasmine Clarke

Abstract/Artist's Statement

One of the hardest parts of being a creative person is not the actual making of the art.

I find that the part that is most difficult is working through all the layers of judgment, self policing, and restriction we all have been taught to engage in throughout our lives.

This self judgment we inflict upon ourselves is most often used as protection. It is used as a means of control over how we are perceived and received by the world, or as a means of acting in accordance with what is socially acceptable, or as a means of preventing the discomfort and pain of feeling embarrassed or being an outsider.

But In order to make art you must let go of a certain amount of judgment as the work is being made. You must unlearn these restrictions.

As a kid, at least for a moment, you don’t know that you aren’t supposed to be or do certain things yet. You don’t fully understand what it means to be a boy or a girl or a child or an adult or any of the markers of identity that are key in how one is meant to conduct themselves.

Children give themselves permission to try all the time. They don’t stop themselves before the first step of attempt. I wanted to find joy in trying rather than the fear of trying I have felt for so much of my life. When I stop, that’s the end is an opportunity to reconnect with that childhood creative freedom. An opportunity to tell myself yes. An opportunity to let myself try.

It started with direct recreations of childhood photos. In these recreations I am given the opportunity to rediscover what excited me about what I was doing, reenter my headspace, and undo the harmful ideas about the self that I have absorbed since the original image was taken. It has brought me great joy, stepping into a creativity that lacks judgment and encourages attempt.

The act of performing these moments again and rephotographing them has allowed me to process multiple different facets of pain. The pain of living in a body that can only exist in a small margin of expression before it is sexualized. The pain of not connecting with the gender that I am perceived as. The pain of internalized fatphobia, internalized body shame, and all other internalized weapons of oppression that tell us “do not move that way, do not love yourself, do not enjoy your body”.

It has also allowed me to fight back against these oppressive forces. Photography is often a statement of values. It often reinforces the dominant values of society. What is beautiful. Acceptable. Right.

In this work I answer what my values are clearly, loudly, and unafraid. I have no desire to control myself for the comfort of an oppressive world.

Open Access Agreement

On-Campus only

Creative Commons License

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 4.0 License.

Recommended Citation

Smith, Ray Coco, "When I Stop, That's the End" (2024). Senior Projects Spring 2024. 279.
https://digitalcommons.bard.edu/senproj_s2024/279